Little Red Riding Hood
by rry
Summary: Sirius's rather drunken version. Spawned from my other story The RAA. If you squint you can see slight SBRL. [Rated for language, meaning one or two dirty words because Sirius is drunk.]


**Little Red Riding Hood… Sirius's (Rather) Drunken Version**

"'EY! 'EY! Listen ta this! Listen!" Sirius yelled drunkenly as he stood on the table, a glass of fire whiskey in hand. The whole of Gryffindor house was celebrating their winning of the Quidditch Cup.

No one was paying attention. …Well, besides Peter, but he doesn't really count.

Sirius glared at the Gryffindors. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The sixteen and a half-year-young Black quickly stripped off his shirt.

_That_ got everyone's attention. (There were several cat-calls and whistles. James even yelled, "Seen it! Show us something new!" To which Sirius grabbed his crotch and flipped James off, a very hard task to accomplish since one hand was occupied buy a glass of liquor and the other had a fist full of Sirius.)

"Anyway! As I was sayen' I gots a story for you all!" Sirius didn't move from his perch on the table as the other students began to gather around him, some sitting, some standing, and a few already knocked out from the booze the Marauders had stolen from Slughorn's stash.

Sirius smiled once everyone was around the table. He noted that James was standing behind the couch with his hands griping the back and glancing towards the other end every once in a while. Lily was on the other side sitting down, looking slightly interested. (They were all surprised when Lily actually stopped studying to celebrate with everyone else.) Peter was sitting on the floor between the table and the couch with his legs crossed and hands clasped in his lap. Remus was sitting in his arm chair, one ankle on his knee, leaning to his left, with his left elbow on the arm rest, his hand propping his head up, and a small smile on his face.

Sirius's smile widened. Remus had actually participated in a drinking game earlier and was probably a little sloshed, but if he was, he didn't show it. They were all a little sloshed… at least._ 'Maybe I can convince Remmie ta…'_

"Sa! Ya'll want a good lil' story? Hm?" Sirius smiled lopsidedly.

Most shouted slurred answers that Sirius dismissed with a wave of his hand.

"An'way! How's about _Lill' Reed Ridin' Hood?_ I've got a great story fors that one!" Sirius took another drink of his fire whiskey.

Several people clapped and Sirius bowed.

"Goose, goose. Now slush it!" He waved for them all to quiet down. Once they stopped and only a few stray giggles remained Sirius started his tale...

"Nows! A little boy named um… uh… Hows about Moony? Okay! Once upon a lime," Sirius stopped to let a small fit of giggles escape because of his slurred speech, "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Remus, an' he was going to visit his dead—dear old gr-ha-granny Peter, ta give him some food… and fire whiskey! Nows! This lil' boy was walkin' down that path, ya know an'…"

* * *

…Remus walked down the familiar forest path on the way to his grandma—father's house. "Over tha rivers and throws the would to granny's house I go!" Sirius slurred for Remus's speech. Remus skipped on unknowing, his red cloak tightly around him with his hood pulled up and a basket of fire whiskey under one arm.

"Skipity-do! Skipitky-da! Oh!! Look ah the loverly moon flowrz!" Again it was Sirius's intoxicated voice. Remus stopped and gapped at them. "So loverly… I want to touch them! But Mommy-Lily told me not to stay from the path! What's should I dos?"

"Why hellos sexeh!" A wolf said from the middle of the flowers.

Remus jumped, "Who are yous?"

"My names is Sirius! The sexiest wolf ever knows to humans!" Sirius said as he stepped forward a simple pair of wolf ears on his head and a tail from his backside. Of course, he was also adorned with black slacks and a loose fitting crimson dress shirt, halfway buttoned.

"Okayers…" Remus stared.

"Whys don't you cum and see these flowers with me?" The wolf held out his hand.

"I don knows. My mommy said not to stray form the path." Remus clutched his basket a little closer and backed away.

"Now, now, nows. I'm not MEAN! or anything! They're just flowers! You'll missile them if you keep walking!" Sirius bent down and picked one of the moon flowers and brought it to his face, holding it above his lips and smiling at Remus.

"I can't. My mommy told me to get to gram-pap's house and stays there."

"Ahhh-achoo!!" he sniffed, "Where's granny's house? I'll walk with you there."

"Is over that river and throes these woods." Remus pointed over yonder.

"Then let me lead you!" Sirius bounded from the flower patch and hooked his arm through Remus's. They then skipped to Grandm-pa's house.

"Laa, la le laaaaah! Dun dun dun!!!!" they sang.

Little Red Riding Hood-Remus and Big Bad Wolf-Sirius stopped suddenly when another wolf crossed their path.

"ASSHOLE!!" Sirius yelled and began to grown.

Severus Snape stared before taking off and Sirius looked torn between following and staying with Remus.

"RAWR! I will kills yoooooooooou!" and he took off after Severus to hopefully eat his heart out.

Remus stood there, "SIRIUS!!!! NOES!!! I LOVEDED YOU!!!" and then skipped on, singing a happy tune.

When Remus approached finally found his granny's house he skipped inside.

"WHY! Granny! What… small eyes you'lls have…" Remus looked confused.

"Wherek are you?" Peter asked, hunched over and gripping a walking cane.

"Overs here." Remus walked a little to the left.

"Ohs." Peter turned to where Remus had just been.

"Mines. What small and pointy teeth you have grandma's..." Remus tried to get back to the door.

"Yesth, yesh. I seemed to have lush themes all." Peter walked to where Remus was when he had stated what kind of teeth Peter had.

"Grandpop? Whys da you have a tail?" Remus made it back to the door.

"Whines? Cause it go 'shwoop'." Peter turned to the door.

"…Yours not my grands pappy! Yous a rat!!!" Remus pointed an accusatory finger at Peter.

"YOU are right my DEAR! I is!!" Peter fell over.

"Dids ya trip?" Remus set his basket down.

Then Sirius bounded through the door and smiled. "Is he dead?"

"I doth not knowith!" Remus stared at Sirius.

Then Lumber-jack-James crashed through the door. "I ISH HERE TO SAVE THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!"

"Ummms, that might be next doe." Remus pointed.

"Ohs." James turned but as he did…

* * *

"...de big ax hit the walls of the collage and caused a rock slide and they all died!!!" Sirius smiled. "But Snevillus died fork."

Everyone was laughing and James was on the ground crying.

Peter looked like he busted a gut.

Lily was all red in the face and hunched over.

Remus had a hand clasped to his face, slightly bent over and his eyebrows twitching in suppressed laughter.

Sirius's smile broadened. "Wells, ya likes my story?"

"Put a shirt on damn it!" Remus yelled before dissolving in a fit of giggles.

Sirius looked down… "When'd I take my shirt off?"

* * *

THE END!!! Like it? For those that don't know, this is spawned from my other fic **The RAA: Remus Admirers Anonymous. **(Which you all know rocks with a capital 'T' and is a SiriusRemus story! Well, not yet, but it will be! Right now (at chapter ten) it's still one-sided.) And the wolf wasn't who you though, huh?

OH! And all the voices in the middle are supposed to be by Sirius, so their English sucks cause Sirius is drunk and what not!

I drew a quick sketch of Jeffrey the Jellyfish! And I posted it at deviantart(dot)com. To see it, go to bi-bi-yaoi-fan(dot)deviantart(dot)com. You'll see it in my gallery! Yay!!

I GOT A BETA!!! Thank you rekahneko!!


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